I faked an abortion last night.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
