good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
