you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize