she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
