Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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