Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
