I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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