All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
