You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
