You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
