just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
