even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
