and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
