my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
My vagina is officially offended.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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