Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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