last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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