If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
