If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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