Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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