U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
