theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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