I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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