I want to make a zoo with you.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
