I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Randomize
