Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
