Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
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