I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
