like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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