Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
