maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
