glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Randomize
