i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
