theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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