: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
well you can't waste a boner
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
