I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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