She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
