I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
