I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
