I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
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