I am in a vortex of obligation.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
