I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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