This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
