this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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