The maid of honor just puked.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
