You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
