24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
