We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
