I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
