the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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