A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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