I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
