Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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