I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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