I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
