every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
