Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
