you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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