sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
