I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
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